Hmmmm?

The past few weeks I have had God stirring me up quite a bit and I felt like it came to an end this past weekend in Toronto. Yet, today I woke up with an even more intense anxiety and it continued on into class. I typically am able to somewhat pinpoint why I feel like I do and what is causing it...even when I don't want to acknowledge it. Andrea from the Pourhouse shared her incredible story today and I still felt unengaged. Not that it did not interest me, I just feel my soul longing for something more than conversation. I sense a deep peace, yet my soul is pierced with a deep longing for something richer than what I am currently living in. I heard someone read psalm 62 at Sanctuary in Toronto and I recognized it right away, because it is one of my favs..

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^b]">[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^c]">[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

So, I was in the shower about 20 minutes ago and I asked God why I am so anxious and paralyzed within and I sensed that He was telling me that I needed to move closer to downtown. I don't know how this is going to happen or when, but I know that God is right:) I continued to unravel these feelings and I am pretty certain that the unrest is from living on the Northside of Indianapolis. I haven't really been able to acknowledge what has been bothering me for the past few weeks, but I think this is a big part of it. I lived in Costa Rica in what we would clasify as poverty, Toronto, and walking the streets of Indianapolis talking with some men on the streets and supplying what I could of their current needs. I heard Andrea say that her serving satifies her and I think that was the most profound thing she said. Some may see it as selfish, but I see it as one who has hungered and thirsted for righteousness and has truly found satisfaction. A satisfaction that she would not trade. Living up here on the northside is easy and highly comfortable, but I honestly feel like it is too easy to feel detached from Jesus and my calling to love, serve,and use the gifts God has given me.

The temporariness of being in Toronto was hard for me. I did not want to engage in conversation or do the same things again. I just wanted it to be over with. I thoroughly enjoyed Sanctuary and found myself wondering why there is nothing like that place in Indy. Today it sounded like the Pourhouse is the closest thing to it.