Sticks and Stones will....

This morning my Dad and I went to talk to my Aunt that is living in a well, shitty situation. That word fits better than any proper word found in the dictionary. We confronted and talked for about 5 hours. Typically this is way too long for a fly by the night intervention, but since it was family I thought it was an exception. She is staying with us tonight to allow her to get a good nights rest and to stay away from the South Side of Chicago.

I was able to see her irrational thought process unravel as our conversation grew longer. This man she was living with has completely manipulated and abused her mentally and physically. She has lost the majority of her self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth. She still wants to go see him after all the abuse and believes that she loves him. She has her own problems that need to be addressed, but he is a scum bag. I hope God gives her the strength to walk away and get help. We went to great lengths to convince her she is in a bad situation and needs to get help. It is ultimately up to her to make the choice.

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Whoever made that song up was lying.

Pour House

Last night I got to serve with the Pour House. I have gone out to hand things out to the men on the street quite a few times since I have been home, but I have been lacking direction or better yet, I was just wingin it. I like wingin it, but it was cool to see Andrea direct and interact with the people as she talked to them and made notes or maybe it was emails she was writing on her cell phone? I am grateful Larry connected me with her and Chad. I enjoyed talking with Chad and hearing his story. We had a lot to talk about since our stories are relatively similar and we both like working out. Correction, love working out.

A cool thing happened to me the other day before I went into the gym. I was searching through my bag and I noticed a key with a little white tag on it. We were up in Toronto a little over a week ago and Holy Trinity had a service where people could get a key and write something on it. I got one of the last ones and mine had nothing on it. I had forgotten about it and when I pulled it out a few days ago it said,"Homeless men and women in Cananda and US." I had those goose bumps that us Christians like to call,"Holy Spirit bumps." If there is such a thing? How did that writing get on the tag, for real, who did that? If you did it confess! I just took it as a nudge from God and I was encouraged. I needed encouragement as this season of life has been increasingly challenging and frustrating.

I met a young man who was 26 years old last night. He said hello to me and then mumbled some things to me. I leaned in to better hear him and he mumble some more. I said,"Whats up man, my name is Bryan." He didn't reply, he just looked at me. I was like,"that was strange," and turned away. This happened twice and it was a extremely weird interaction. The guy was talking to me perfectly fine then he went into saying completely off the wall things that I won't repeat. I felt strange and I continued to keep my eye on him, mostly because I was half wondering if he was ok and the other thoughts I was having had to do with wondering if I was losing it myself. I thought my ears were popping and that I was having troubles seeing during the interaction I had with him. It was a strange phenomenon. Well, I sat down and talked to him some more. Chad came up and spoke with him as well. As we asked him some questions about his life it came out that he had schizophrenia and did not have his meds. "Ok," I thought to myself, now this makes sense. I am increasingly becoming aware since being in training school how much I judge people on one interaction or just on how I perceive them. It is so imperative to learn someones story first. Not so you can then judge them, but because after you learn someones story you increasingly relate and grow compassion for the person. It is amazing how much we all have in common as well.

I heard God speak to me about my complaining and ungratefulness as well as I sat and talked to him. He is living out on the streets and his parents wont let him back in the house. He asked me where I lived and I told him that I was staying at my folk's place. He asked me how it was going and as I began to say how it sucks at times, that I was speaking to a man that ached inside because his parent's would not let him stay at their place. His response was what I expected,"I would give anything to stay at my parents place." I knew that was coming. I shook my head and agreement and I recognized with utter quickness how I have no reason to complain.

Homework from Patrick in Toronto

I was at the computer earlier and I overheard my mom talking to my dad. My irritation grew to the point of cussing, so I knew it was time to withdrawal from the computer and go to a quiet place. Finding a quiet place is friggin challenging.amen. So I wrote in my journal my current frustrations and questions to why I am feeling the way I am. I did not come up with anything, but it felt good to put my feelings on the pages. I prayed and asked God to encourage me and give me a scripture or a psalm. I thought I heard Him say psalm 67, but as I read it I was sure I put that thought into my head. This is not the first time I have done this. So , I was more lead to go to Isaiah and I stopped on a passage I had in parenthesis in Isaiah 41 and I know for sure God wanted me to read it as our friend Patrick in Toronto told us to. Well, I started to plug my name in where Israel and Jacob is and I started weeping. This is what God truly thinks of us. I often think the worst of myself and that God is mad at me or what satan tells me about myself, but this shook my world tonight. Try it...
Isaiah 41
8 “But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
you descendants of Abraham my friend,
9 I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

11 “All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
14 Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob,
little Israel, do not fear,
for I myself will help you,” declares the LORD,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
15 “See, I will make you into a threshing sledge,
new and sharp, with many teeth.
You will thresh the mountains and crush them,
and reduce the hills to chaff.
16 You will winnow them, the wind will pick them up,
and a gale will blow them away.
But you will rejoice in the LORD
and glory in the Holy One of Israel.

F Bomb/Welcome

I heard a man named James say fuck in church this past Sunday. He went on a rant after an announcement was made about having a dessert party for Christmas. He was drunk and wanted to let everyone know that they should pitch in to help out. He got up out of his seat and slammed some coin on the table and told everyone to "jam up," which meant to pitch in because they deserve it for what they do at Sanctuary. James was the same guy who the night before almost got into a fight during their arts show. During the art show it was awesome to see how it was handled. Greg helped separate the men and ended up talking to and praying with James. As the fight began it 4 girls made their escape as if they were about to avoid certain death. Everyone else remained calm and the show went on. It was nice to hear the F-Bomb and to see a fight almost break out. Wow, now this is church. It is what most of us want to say at times and also what some of us would like to do with one another. James just did what most of us want to do and he wasn't excommunicated for it.

I shook Greg Paul's hand and he told me,"Nice to meet you, welcome." Welcome is a word that when someone says it, they mean it. Sometimes people say,"Nice to meet you, or pleasure," and they just say it because that is what you say, but when the word welcome is said too......I heard these same words last time I was in Toronto from men on the street and I know it is genuine. All you have to do is go to church on Sunday night and there is a feeling of welcome when you walk in. There are people from all walks of life and ethnicity. Welcome allows you to let your guard down and be yourself. I think it is what we are going to hear Jesus say to us when we meet Him. Welcome.

Hmmmm?

The past few weeks I have had God stirring me up quite a bit and I felt like it came to an end this past weekend in Toronto. Yet, today I woke up with an even more intense anxiety and it continued on into class. I typically am able to somewhat pinpoint why I feel like I do and what is causing it...even when I don't want to acknowledge it. Andrea from the Pourhouse shared her incredible story today and I still felt unengaged. Not that it did not interest me, I just feel my soul longing for something more than conversation. I sense a deep peace, yet my soul is pierced with a deep longing for something richer than what I am currently living in. I heard someone read psalm 62 at Sanctuary in Toronto and I recognized it right away, because it is one of my favs..

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^b]">[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^c]">[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

So, I was in the shower about 20 minutes ago and I asked God why I am so anxious and paralyzed within and I sensed that He was telling me that I needed to move closer to downtown. I don't know how this is going to happen or when, but I know that God is right:) I continued to unravel these feelings and I am pretty certain that the unrest is from living on the Northside of Indianapolis. I haven't really been able to acknowledge what has been bothering me for the past few weeks, but I think this is a big part of it. I lived in Costa Rica in what we would clasify as poverty, Toronto, and walking the streets of Indianapolis talking with some men on the streets and supplying what I could of their current needs. I heard Andrea say that her serving satifies her and I think that was the most profound thing she said. Some may see it as selfish, but I see it as one who has hungered and thirsted for righteousness and has truly found satisfaction. A satisfaction that she would not trade. Living up here on the northside is easy and highly comfortable, but I honestly feel like it is too easy to feel detached from Jesus and my calling to love, serve,and use the gifts God has given me.

The temporariness of being in Toronto was hard for me. I did not want to engage in conversation or do the same things again. I just wanted it to be over with. I thoroughly enjoyed Sanctuary and found myself wondering why there is nothing like that place in Indy. Today it sounded like the Pourhouse is the closest thing to it.

Gaurd ya Grill

2 days this week I have gotten randomly angry and for the past 6-7 hours I have been this way. If you looked up sin/pissed off for no reason/about to explode my picture would show up with a death stare. You would not be able to look at the picture for much longer than a quick glance because I would either scare you or jump out of the page to verbally assault you. Geez. Where do moments like this come from!!!?? I was at the computer listening to a lecture for my personal training certification and I think that added to the already irritated demeanor I had been carrying earlier. I was fine when I was on the way to the barber shop. I read an interesting article on Al-Queda, got my haircut, and drove off. While in my car on the way to work out I got randomly pissed off and everyone was in my way. If my car had an oozie and some hellfire missles attached to it I would have wracked up mad kilz. Surely tomorrow will be a better day. We are going to Toronto, which I love. Oh crap, we are going to be in a 12 passenger van for 10 hours.

Roberto

Roberto is an employee at the gym I go to. He is from Chile and has lived here for about 10 years. He said hello to me in Spanish and I said some stuff back. We began talking in English:0 and I eventually asked him the question I like to ask people from other countries. "So, do you think people in America are more friendly or less friendly than your country?" I ask this because I felt that Costa Rican's were more personable in general than us American's. Roberto's response was great and it was easy to tell he had processed it in the past. He said,"It is not that Amercian's are less friendly, they are just more busy!" "You Americans have too much technology and it prevents you from communication." "You get in your car, go to work, get back in you car, into your garage, and into your house without talking to your neighbors." Wow, "This dude is on it," I thought to myself. He did not stop there. I think I struck a nerve or maybe a deep rooted observation he had processed over the years and never got to share. It was like an eruption of relational wisdom. "In our country we don't have all that technology, so we are dependent on our neighbors." "We spend time at our neighbors houses, we go next door to ask for things, we are allowed to cut through each others yards without being harassed." He said,"I have a neighbor who writes me notes on how it upsets him when my friends park in front of his house." "One note he wrote told me how mad he was that someone drove in his grass." "Grass grows back he told me, whats the big deal?"Not only is it not a big deal, his neighbor writes notes instead of interacting. "People in America have a hard time sharing and want to possess." I bought this house, it is mine, this is my property." I told Roberto that this is what we call entitlement. " He said,"Yes, exactly!" "In America nobody has time to talk, we have plenty of time to talk in my country, Roberto continued to tell me." I found this difficult to deal with when I lived in Costa Rica. There was an abundance of down time and people were generally content with just being around each other. I felt unproductive and lazy. It was too much for me. I told Roberto that I thought the Native American culture had family and relationship in general down better than most Americans do. I witnessed very easily and quickly that Costa Rican's valued their time with their families above money, status, or possessions. I don't think all Americans do this, but I do think Roberto has some great observations that I want to further process.

Do you still have no faith?

Today while driving I yelled at the top of my lungs at God. I have had trouble sleeping the past two nights and I am hyper sensitive/grumpy/exhausted. The physical aspects are one thing, but I think that I am spiritually in unison with the physical. I took benadryl to help me sleep and I woke up feeling out of it. This has continued throughout the day. I just got finished dropping off some cd's to my friend who is a chaplain at CCA(jail) and drove down college ave. heading north. I was listening to Lecrea(christian rap artist) and noticed how stone cold angry I was. "I am not supposed to be angry like this," I told myself. I struggle with lust and I have been feeling very frustrated and condemned from patterns of thinking and behavior. As I was driving a brief moment of clarity broke through like when the sun breaks through the clouds after a brief rain in the spring and I realized how much I was believing the lies of the enemy. Satan truly comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I feel robbed of joy, dead inside, and like I am internally on the edge of destruction. In reality things are not that bad, but oh how good the enemy is at creating lies and accusations that bring us to the point of hopelessness. In the midst of the storm in my heart I know Jesus was asleep on the cushion as I yelled at the top of my lungs,"Help me, where are you?" I seriously probably freaked someone out around 15th and College. I immediatly realized after I yelled that God can handle it and that He wanted to take me through the storm and not necessarily yank me out of it. My prayer changed to,"God bring me through this, teach me, and make me stronger." "Even the winds and the waves obey Him," said the terrified disciples. I often just want God to rebuke the wind and the waves so that I can have smooth calm sailing, but I, just like the disciples, wonder why God is not doing something about it right away. Assuming that He does not care because there is no immediate deliverance. Jesus' response to their cry out is a question that leads to a rehashing of all the other times He was there to help you. "Why are you so afraid, do you still have no faith?" He is almost like,"I have been walking with you all this time, performed miracles, raised the dead, cleansed leppers, fed the multitudes on scraps, cast out demons, restored sight to the blind, and you still have no faith? Do you still have no faith?