Hmmmm?

The past few weeks I have had God stirring me up quite a bit and I felt like it came to an end this past weekend in Toronto. Yet, today I woke up with an even more intense anxiety and it continued on into class. I typically am able to somewhat pinpoint why I feel like I do and what is causing it...even when I don't want to acknowledge it. Andrea from the Pourhouse shared her incredible story today and I still felt unengaged. Not that it did not interest me, I just feel my soul longing for something more than conversation. I sense a deep peace, yet my soul is pierced with a deep longing for something richer than what I am currently living in. I heard someone read psalm 62 at Sanctuary in Toronto and I recognized it right away, because it is one of my favs..

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^b]">[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^c]">[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

So, I was in the shower about 20 minutes ago and I asked God why I am so anxious and paralyzed within and I sensed that He was telling me that I needed to move closer to downtown. I don't know how this is going to happen or when, but I know that God is right:) I continued to unravel these feelings and I am pretty certain that the unrest is from living on the Northside of Indianapolis. I haven't really been able to acknowledge what has been bothering me for the past few weeks, but I think this is a big part of it. I lived in Costa Rica in what we would clasify as poverty, Toronto, and walking the streets of Indianapolis talking with some men on the streets and supplying what I could of their current needs. I heard Andrea say that her serving satifies her and I think that was the most profound thing she said. Some may see it as selfish, but I see it as one who has hungered and thirsted for righteousness and has truly found satisfaction. A satisfaction that she would not trade. Living up here on the northside is easy and highly comfortable, but I honestly feel like it is too easy to feel detached from Jesus and my calling to love, serve,and use the gifts God has given me.

The temporariness of being in Toronto was hard for me. I did not want to engage in conversation or do the same things again. I just wanted it to be over with. I thoroughly enjoyed Sanctuary and found myself wondering why there is nothing like that place in Indy. Today it sounded like the Pourhouse is the closest thing to it.

Gaurd ya Grill

2 days this week I have gotten randomly angry and for the past 6-7 hours I have been this way. If you looked up sin/pissed off for no reason/about to explode my picture would show up with a death stare. You would not be able to look at the picture for much longer than a quick glance because I would either scare you or jump out of the page to verbally assault you. Geez. Where do moments like this come from!!!?? I was at the computer listening to a lecture for my personal training certification and I think that added to the already irritated demeanor I had been carrying earlier. I was fine when I was on the way to the barber shop. I read an interesting article on Al-Queda, got my haircut, and drove off. While in my car on the way to work out I got randomly pissed off and everyone was in my way. If my car had an oozie and some hellfire missles attached to it I would have wracked up mad kilz. Surely tomorrow will be a better day. We are going to Toronto, which I love. Oh crap, we are going to be in a 12 passenger van for 10 hours.

Roberto

Roberto is an employee at the gym I go to. He is from Chile and has lived here for about 10 years. He said hello to me in Spanish and I said some stuff back. We began talking in English:0 and I eventually asked him the question I like to ask people from other countries. "So, do you think people in America are more friendly or less friendly than your country?" I ask this because I felt that Costa Rican's were more personable in general than us American's. Roberto's response was great and it was easy to tell he had processed it in the past. He said,"It is not that Amercian's are less friendly, they are just more busy!" "You Americans have too much technology and it prevents you from communication." "You get in your car, go to work, get back in you car, into your garage, and into your house without talking to your neighbors." Wow, "This dude is on it," I thought to myself. He did not stop there. I think I struck a nerve or maybe a deep rooted observation he had processed over the years and never got to share. It was like an eruption of relational wisdom. "In our country we don't have all that technology, so we are dependent on our neighbors." "We spend time at our neighbors houses, we go next door to ask for things, we are allowed to cut through each others yards without being harassed." He said,"I have a neighbor who writes me notes on how it upsets him when my friends park in front of his house." "One note he wrote told me how mad he was that someone drove in his grass." "Grass grows back he told me, whats the big deal?"Not only is it not a big deal, his neighbor writes notes instead of interacting. "People in America have a hard time sharing and want to possess." I bought this house, it is mine, this is my property." I told Roberto that this is what we call entitlement. " He said,"Yes, exactly!" "In America nobody has time to talk, we have plenty of time to talk in my country, Roberto continued to tell me." I found this difficult to deal with when I lived in Costa Rica. There was an abundance of down time and people were generally content with just being around each other. I felt unproductive and lazy. It was too much for me. I told Roberto that I thought the Native American culture had family and relationship in general down better than most Americans do. I witnessed very easily and quickly that Costa Rican's valued their time with their families above money, status, or possessions. I don't think all Americans do this, but I do think Roberto has some great observations that I want to further process.

Do you still have no faith?

Today while driving I yelled at the top of my lungs at God. I have had trouble sleeping the past two nights and I am hyper sensitive/grumpy/exhausted. The physical aspects are one thing, but I think that I am spiritually in unison with the physical. I took benadryl to help me sleep and I woke up feeling out of it. This has continued throughout the day. I just got finished dropping off some cd's to my friend who is a chaplain at CCA(jail) and drove down college ave. heading north. I was listening to Lecrea(christian rap artist) and noticed how stone cold angry I was. "I am not supposed to be angry like this," I told myself. I struggle with lust and I have been feeling very frustrated and condemned from patterns of thinking and behavior. As I was driving a brief moment of clarity broke through like when the sun breaks through the clouds after a brief rain in the spring and I realized how much I was believing the lies of the enemy. Satan truly comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I feel robbed of joy, dead inside, and like I am internally on the edge of destruction. In reality things are not that bad, but oh how good the enemy is at creating lies and accusations that bring us to the point of hopelessness. In the midst of the storm in my heart I know Jesus was asleep on the cushion as I yelled at the top of my lungs,"Help me, where are you?" I seriously probably freaked someone out around 15th and College. I immediatly realized after I yelled that God can handle it and that He wanted to take me through the storm and not necessarily yank me out of it. My prayer changed to,"God bring me through this, teach me, and make me stronger." "Even the winds and the waves obey Him," said the terrified disciples. I often just want God to rebuke the wind and the waves so that I can have smooth calm sailing, but I, just like the disciples, wonder why God is not doing something about it right away. Assuming that He does not care because there is no immediate deliverance. Jesus' response to their cry out is a question that leads to a rehashing of all the other times He was there to help you. "Why are you so afraid, do you still have no faith?" He is almost like,"I have been walking with you all this time, performed miracles, raised the dead, cleansed leppers, fed the multitudes on scraps, cast out demons, restored sight to the blind, and you still have no faith? Do you still have no faith?

WoW

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ti-hamiltongingerale101210

A few weeks ago the Texas Rangers clinched the American League West. Josh Hamilton is the center fielder of the Texas Rangers and chose not to partake in the celebration after the Rangers won the game to clinch the playoff birth. The reason he chose not to join in the celebration is this: He returned to baseball about 3-4 years ago after a serious bout of drug addiction. He was drafted first overall in 1999 and a few years later fell into drug addiction. He was suspended by baseball and continued to struggle. He has an amazing testimony that you can see on youtube if you are interested in the full story.

A few weeks ago I read an article that spoke on his choice to not join his teammates and how it was too bad his demons from the past kept him from joining his teammates. My initial reaction to that was,"No, too bad they did not realize that Josh and his sobriety is more important than some champagne and cigars!" I wondered to myself,"What would it have looked like if his teammates decided not to have champagne and cigars and did something else." That would have been one hell of a story and a beautiful glimpse into the Kingdom come. Some of the comments people made about Josh were flat out sick, selfish, and mean. I thought of 2 scriptures as I read the first article. One comes from 1 Peter 4 and I will give you the Bryan version of what is being said: The time already past was sufficient for you to carry out the lusts of the gentiles who pursued a course of sensuality, debauchery, drunkeness, carousing,orgies, drinking parties and abominal idolalitries. They are surprised that you do not run into the same excess of dissipation and they malign you. Another version says that they heap abuse on you. Another scripture was 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except was is common to man and God is faithful, He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide a way of escape so that you can stand up under it. I found that verse especially fitting. Faith day "just so happened" to be the same day that Josh had a decision to make: Partake of the festivities or choose the way of escape. Praise God that his way of escape was faith day. Come on now, faith day the same day?

At the top of this paragraph is a short story of what just recently happened. His teammates decided to have gingerale instead of champagne this time around. His team just won the AL division series and they considered him more important than themselves. Josh said,"It meant a lot to me. It just says a lot about my teammates, them understanding the sensitivity of my situation."

There is something about seeing other people sacrifice for other people that touches our soul. I especially like how most of these guys are most likely not following Jesus, yet they acted in such a way in line with the Kingdom. Someone on the team or a group of guys realized after the first celebration that they are a team(body) and having one guy absent was not acceptable. They sacrificed in order to make Josh feel welcome, loved, and included in the group. The celebration the first time around was not an intentional exclusion, yet I imagine that Josh felt excluded a bit by not being able to join. Sure he was able to join, but he would have been stupid to do so. Take it from someone who has been in a similar situation as him. It is wise to just not go.

It has been a month....

It has been a month since I last blogged. Where did the word blog come from? Anyways. Training school has been good and I imagine that it is serving it's purpose in each one of our lives in it's unique personal way. I call it an it because it kind of takes on a life of it's own. Larry does a brilliant job of directing conversation, articulating his ideas, and often times asking questions that, at least for me, leaves me francticly wracking my brain for the answer. I often say to myself," Dude get it together, you are a christian and you are supposed to know this stuff." Most of the stuff I do know, or I at least get the idea of the flow of conversation, but articulating a well thought out answer is not my forte and especially not in a short amount of time. One thing I have absorbed from our short time together is that it is acceptable to not know the answer 100% of the time and that everything is not as concrete as I thought it had to be. The phrase black and white comes up quite a bit in class. I like to look at a guy like Mark Driscol as a black and white kind of guy and a guy like Rob Bell who recognises the black and white, respects it, but is not afraid to hang out in the realm of "grey." The grey areas are almost taboo. I won't get into specifics, but we talk about the grey area quite a bit in class and it is refreshing and freeing. It is not easy to wrestle with your theology and ask why, what, how, ect...about scripture and doctrine. It can actually be pretty uncomfortable, but the mental stimulation is a thrill for me. I have ideas about scripture, doctrine, and of who God is. I have been told some things, taught some things, and read some things, but I have rarely picked up the shovel and dug into why I believe what I do and if I do believe this about that, then is it safe to dig a little bit deeper? Meaning to me, is there more to this than the depth I have gotten and what people have taught me, or does God continue to reveal more the farther we are willing to dig? When I read Systematic Theology or listen to Driscoll I get this feeling in my spirit like I have to agree with this dude or I am out of the circle of God and the body of Christ. Or that God has been put into this massive book and here is what you are to believe, believe this and you will be safe, we got it figured out. When I listen to or read a book by Rob Bell I am inspired to know God, serve God, love on the lost, serve the poor, and I feel like my imagination is stoked into searching the Father. Rob doesn't spend much time bashing with doctrine and convincing people they have to know this or they are doomed. I could write forever on this. I like both of them. They both serve their purpose in their community, love God and people, and are great for my walk with Christ. I will end with this: I hate it when Rob is called a heretic or that others won't listen to him because Mark said he wouldn't let him preach at his church unless he saw some real repentance in his beliefs. Come on dude, you are behind the pulpit consistantly putting others down and making jokes about other pastors on a public platform.....

Toronto

Being back from Costa Rica has been a pretty big adjustment. I am grateful to be in the Training School at Common Ground. We left for Toronto on the 25th....this was our first time meeting one another.

7 of us packed into 2 vehicles and headed to Toronto. Far too much amazing things happened that I cannot describe through words. The experience was what it was and I almost feel like I wouldn't do the experiences justice by trying to write about them. We walked approximately 15 miles each day through the city. According to my friend and teacher Larry there are 138 different ethnicities in Toronto. While walking through the city we were exposed to a wide variety of cultures and lifestyles. It was cool to be walking through the gay/drag area then walk into China Town, then into an area called Kensington. Kensington was cool because it was almost like everything was packed into one. For instance: (I don't know exactly where people were from) the cheese shop had people from one country, the meat shop was ran by russians, another meat shop was ran by a family of Ukrainians, there was a Caribean store that had Jamaicans or maybe they were Haitains? I am not exactly sure, but I heard tons of different languages and many different looking people all living in harmony. There was a rhythm to it all. In the park there were people from all walks of life all hanging out. People pushed their children down the slide and on the swings while groups of people smoked weed and drank, while a group from Ukraine played live music, while the skaters skated, and some couples played games....it was like everyone was doing there thing together, but not actually together. It had a unique feeling about it all.

We walked together a lot and we figured it was intentional. Jesus walked with his disciples and shared there stories together. They ate together as well....this is what we did for 5 days straight. Some nights until 3am or so. We shared everything together. Everything was shared. Kind of like what it must have been like in the early church. It created a sense of brother sister relationship rapidly. Rapidly is not a fast enough word. I think this is going to be one of the best years of my life. I am sure there will be some tough times ahead, but It is nice to know that I am going to be going through it by people that love me.